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You and I

Here we are again! I hoped you got lost, in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.



I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.  I take a deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.



I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clumsy attempt to reach something to hold on to. He whispers in my ear 'there's no one here to help you, never was and never will be'. He puts his arms around my waist and it feels like he is crushing my spirit. He offers me a chair and invites me to sit down. There are millions of places in the world that I rather be, anywhere but here!


'You hate it when I come to see you, but I seem to be the only friend you have got! When the darkness comes everyone runs from you! Everyone, except me! I always run towards you! I was here from the beginning and I will be here until you decide to end it! I am here! Right here! Always was and always will be! Don't cry little girl ! I am by your side! I will never leave you, like everyone else!' he says in a cold controlled tone while he sat down in front of me.


'Your world crumbles, all these nice walls that you built to shelter you from the outside world are now falling. You will soon discover that you need more than some strong walls and warm clothing, it's a very cold world out there. Better cover your eyes with heavy coins now and avoid it while you can' he sights and continues 'You're not like them, you can't. You can try to play their game but as long as your heart beats you know you can't. You don't have it in you! You always knew you were different. It pains me to see you as much it pains you to see me.'  He suddenly gets up and comes closer, this time kneeling in front of me. He lays his head on my lap. I can feel his tears through my think skirt. He continues ' You don't need to do anything yet, wait until when you are ready. '

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Your world vs mine

I can see you protecting yourself from me so I raised my shield to protect myself from you.Here we are with our guards up awaiting for a war to start or a white flag to be raised but no one seems willing to raise it. I go back to all my hurts and tell myself off for being a failure and never learning.You turn to confront your demons.
I am again walking in the valley of unworthyness and tears bring me to surrender. I no longer wish to be strong. Like is a constant fight and I am exhausted on having to fight for every little thing I want.
I wanted you but you asked me to wait as if there was some test you expected me to fail.  Why does love has to be so complicated even before it begins??? 
If love is what you're looking for,  aren't you supposed to give it a chance?  Aren't you supposed to run towards it?? Am I something that has to tick all the right boxed before you decide if I am worthy to be let in? 
I will save you the time and trouble.  I am not.
Not worthy at all…