I can see you protecting yourself from me so I raised my shield to protect myself from you.
Here we are with our guards up awaiting for a war to start or a white flag to be raised but no one seems willing to raise it.
I go back to all my hurts and tell myself off for being a failure and never learning.You turn to confront your demons.
I am again walking in the valley of unworthyness and tears bring me to surrender. I no longer wish to be strong.
Like is a constant fight and I am exhausted on having to fight for every little thing I want.
I wanted you but you asked me to wait as if there was some test you expected me to fail. Why does love has to be so complicated even before it begins???
If love is what you're looking for, aren't you supposed to give it a chance? Aren't you supposed to run towards it??
Am I something that has to tick all the right boxed before you decide if I am worthy to be let in?
I will save you the time and trouble. I am not.
Not worthy at all!!!
I been there before, you see! I was waiting for some to decide if I was worthy to be let in. I waited and waited until I realized that unmerciful silence was my answer.
Everytime you keep me at a distance I know that you must have been hurt and I try a little to make you see that I do not want to hurt you or judge you. I know you must be broken I promise I will not try to fix you. I am no savior! God, can't even save myself! I just want you to know that I can hear you. All those things you think you hide from the world are pretty clear to me but like you I doubt myself too much and over think things too much.
In you world I may be vulgar but in mine I am just honest and speak my mind like a man, if you like.
In your world I am easy because I am willing to sleep with a man before I know him. In my world I am just in touch with my feelings, I want you now and here. Yes, I might not know yet but running from what I feel will not help me to get to know you! Sex is not the best part of me! I don't have to save it as a prize! Sex is just part of me but not the best part of me! The best part of ne will be revealed in time by those who want to know me. While in your world I am.. let's put it elegant: 'easy' in my world I am just a woman who needs to be touched and cared for. I would not expect love. I am not expecting something that I cannot offer even to myself.
In your world that might sound shallow but in my world that means that I was so broken that I doubt ever being loved and my capabilitiy of ever loving someone. I feel empty inside. I hear my heart beating, is the only clue that I have a heart.
I would never hurt the way I was hurt or the way you were hurt before but I need to protect myself from ever being hurt again. I told you I was a whimp and have no tolerance for pain. I meant it!
If I would knew what love was I would say that this is something quite close to it. It must be the reason why I felt my heart stop beating when you said you did not wanted to talk about it.
I was a fighter pushed to fighting my way in life, pushing other to achieve the best version of themselves. I always loved these around me and respected them... But I have learned that a close door in your face means its time to step back turn around and start walking.
It is time for me to do that. A part of me wants this very much and strongly belives I am better off ( even makes a list of stuff that I will no longer have to be worried about!) The other part of me wants to hold your had and look into your eyes, kiss your lips and make time stand still.
'You're too silly pretty girl! Can't you see you're not wanted? It's all a lie! You are smarter that this!!! You knew! You must have! You knew it will come down to this and still, here you are. Thinking you can be seen! Well I see you and I wish I can wipe your tears. I see your fears grow bigger and bigger with every single word that he keeps to himself. I see you toss and turn in your bed about all tge things you might did wrong. Where is he??? Tortured by his own feelings or too busy to care?? He pushed you away and now all you do is talk about things that do not matter. When was the last time he asked how you were? Or what you were doing? Let's be optimistic why not! I am all up for it he might be as well... You'll probably never find out as he's not much of a talker when it comes to what he feels. Is just you who opens up like a sucker!!! Let's pretend we're drunk and let's go home! Before its too late! I know how you get! When he stops talking you start building different versions of him, like a puzzle... Finding the missing piece so it all makes sense. But instead of you looking to find the missing piece you create it and you add what you want to the mix... then you let it fit in the picture so you can have the perfect picture for a bit but then it will eat you alive because you know it is not real, it never was. At this moment in time you start to lose your mind and look for the real missing piece of the puzzle but deep ibside you know that even when you find it you will not be able to trust it. You cannot trust anyone, maybe not even yourself!
You show the world what they want to see: A nice smile, a pretty face. The perfect picture. But it all just a fake image like the fake piece of the puzzle and it's eating you inside. No one knows you, you never ever give them a chance to.. Is it because you are too scared to find out if someone can truly love you for what you are???? You know the theory, you know the rules and potential outcome. Too scared that you will not be loved? Worry no more! Put a fake puzzle piece instead no one will notice anyway...
We're all running from ourselves, fakeselves, our better selves or worse selves....
I forgive you for keeping me out in the dark, I should not be surprised. I would do the same if I was you....
It is true. I die a little everytine. Everytime when I think it is real or think this might have been my last fist kiss. Call it stupidly but I never seem to learn. I respect your distance even though it kills me inside and if you're not willing to share your thoughts and emotions with me it is not your fault, I must have failed you. I don't blame you!
I must apologise now for this letter and the torment of all these feelings, it's perfectly acceptable to not understand much I am afterall, crazy! Understanding anything of this would make you as crazy as me!
I will put my fake smile away now and hid my pretty face, will also hide the body that I am not paticulary proud of. What will I be left with? My shady character Let put that away! Silence at last....
I might not be good enough for you but that is ok. I might just be good enough for me.
You will not be there to pick me up everytime I fall but I will. I will...
I will not shut myself out ever nor hide my words...
Bitter? Maybe! What the Hell? Yes!!! Bitter as the abandoned waters, bitter as millions of unknown Gods that never had their minute of fame and whom curse us everyday and we have no idea what is happening to the world!.
Sad? A little.
Untained? Off course! I never seem to learn.