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Echoes

Maybe coming here was not such a good idea afterall.  Perhaps I should have think things through.  I fell trapped under an avalanche of thoughts and emotions.  Like a broken record I repeat to myself ' you don't belong here' voicing out all those thoughts will not stop my hands from shaking or others thinking it. 
I could have conquered the word but I choose not to,  call it fear,  call it laziness,  call it misfortune or as your wish but the end result is the same. I stopped and now I fell inappropriate. 
The real question is if I am ready to feel inappropriate  or if I should go back.

The distant echos are coming back ' You don't belong here'.

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Here we are again! I hoped you got lost, in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.



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I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clumsy…

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I can see you protecting yourself from me so I raised my shield to protect myself from you.Here we are with our guards up awaiting for a war to start or a white flag to be raised but no one seems willing to raise it. I go back to all my hurts and tell myself off for being a failure and never learning.You turn to confront your demons.
I am again walking in the valley of unworthyness and tears bring me to surrender. I no longer wish to be strong. Like is a constant fight and I am exhausted on having to fight for every little thing I want.
I wanted you but you asked me to wait as if there was some test you expected me to fail.  Why does love has to be so complicated even before it begins??? 
If love is what you're looking for,  aren't you supposed to give it a chance?  Aren't you supposed to run towards it?? Am I something that has to tick all the right boxed before you decide if I am worthy to be let in? 
I will save you the time and trouble.  I am not.
Not worthy at all…