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In between

How can you know the depth of the darkness unless you can compare it something else?  But what can you compare darkness with?  Total black out? If you can still see the moon or the stars is still darkness?

This place is so dark and there are no stars,  just rain and mist.  Can it get darker? The answer is always 'yes' but I don't prefer the reality. I like to indulge myself in a promiscuous lie and say 'no'.  After darkness always comes light, it has to!  There is no guarantee but we sometimes have to delude ourselves.

There is no promise!  Here and now is all we have.  There is no guarantee that there will be a future.  I am here in my darkness and maybe this is all I will ever have.

Let there be no light,  I will chance my vision and become a cat.  Let there be no future and I will happily accept my fate for what it is.

I am complete,  may it be darkness or light.  May it be now, tomorrow or never.

I can accept things even if  I cannot change them and I can accept things I cannot understand. But if I accept does not mean that I agree or that I am happy about it.

I am who I am.  I cannot offer something I do not possess.  I cannot be someone who I am not.  I cannot move on if there's a wall surrounding me. 

The dreamer in me always thinks that everything happens with a reason.  I am looking for my lesson to learn so I can grow wiser.  I prefer to grow wiser if I were to chose between wiser and stronger.  I had to be strong for a very long time. I am not looking to be strong anymore,  I have no wish to fight wars.  The things that need fighting for, are not meant to be mine.  The things meant to be mine will just be. I surrender all my weapons,  armore and shields. I am tired of fighting wars that will only leave my soul crippled. If you require an army to get closer to your heart I am not not the one you are looking for. I have nothing to offer. All I have is my bare body and soul. My past is the past,  resting in peace with all those that were once a part of it. I have no future,  I prefer not to. 

Maybe it is too soon,  maybe is it late or maybe it's not meant to be. Whichever, I can accept.

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Here we are again! I hoped you got lost in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.

I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think that all this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.   A deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.

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Nothing touches my soul like the sound of piano. The sound of flaps tickles a string deeply buried and makes me want to come alive. I suddenly wake up as if after centuries of hibernation and re-live all that I missed, like a fast forward. I laugh a little, I cry a little and then shake it off and start dancing to the rhythm of this amazing piano.

Wish I was a ballerina so I can do the music justice and make you notice me flowig with the music but I am what I am and I close my eyes dreaming of what I could have been, should have been and will be... I will never be a ballerina nor what you wished me to be and I cannot seem to be able to forgive myself for that. I look into your eyes hoping for reassurance but I cannot find myself. I am shouting so loud hoping to get your attention but it is too late, I have faded like a light in the dusk.

I wish I could get all the answers from you but I have no idea what my questions were. I wish I could touch your heart to make it better and whole …