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My heart knows

I always struggled to find a common ground between my heart and mind, it seems like they're continually disagree. My heart wants to love and feel love does not care much about repercussions, she wants to live here and now! My heart seeks experiences and wants to live then fully knowing that I am truly eternal! I was never truly born and will never die! There's no beginning or end in my heart, There is now and there is feelings that I want to feel to the core. My heart wants to experiment every inch of this life and it does not matter what the consequences are. She shouts from the top to the highest mountain: 'I want love! I want to love and be loved! I want to let down and be let down! I want to hate and be hated. I want to laugh and cry ! Who cares if I get hurt!? It's all about the experience.

My mind, my wise mind acts like an old policeman who wants to protect me from everything that my heart desires. He comes to be as an over cautions friend and looks at me suspicious, as I was suffering of some kind of temporary madness. He thinks I was just born and if I am not careful I will die too soon so he's here to protect me. He has his best interest at heart, funny right?  He does not understand feelings, he thinks that feelings are a luxury and no one should afford. Felling are asking me to close all the doors and put locks, no one is to be let in and nothing is to be let out. I should focus on my jobs, I should eat healthier and sleep way more! And he advises me : ' let feelings go otherwise it will break your heart and kill me!' Let's forget about all this funny business he advises.

I am split in two and you're in the middle of my torment. I listened to my heart but my mind was right.

My heart wants to hold on and my mind wants to let go.

It's past midnight and my heart calls your name over and over again. My mind sits in the corner with a smug smile on his face making shout out all the wrong names. Do you think that if I were to remember your name you would come back?

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Here we are again! I hoped you got lost in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.

I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think that all this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.   A deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.

I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clu…


Nothing touches my soul like the sound of piano. The sound of flaps tickles a string deeply buried and makes me want to come alive. I suddenly wake up as if after centuries of hibernation and re-live all that I missed, like a fast forward. I laugh a little, I cry a little and then shake it off and start dancing to the rhythm of this amazing piano.

Wish I was a ballerina so I can do the music justice and make you notice me flowig with the music but I am what I am and I close my eyes dreaming of what I could have been, should have been and will be... I will never be a ballerina nor what you wished me to be and I cannot seem to be able to forgive myself for that. I look into your eyes hoping for reassurance but I cannot find myself. I am shouting so loud hoping to get your attention but it is too late, I have faded like a light in the dusk.

I wish I could get all the answers from you but I have no idea what my questions were. I wish I could touch your heart to make it better and whole …