Skip to main content

It's my birthday!

I woke up in agony thinking I am dying. Run to the mirror to check if I can still see my reflection and there I was. Devastated and scared. I fell on my knees. There is something sacred in falling on your knees and nothing can take that away from you. I  begun to pray while my tears were rolling down my cheeks, neck, breasts and stomach.I can be the queen of rain if I get upset but I can be the queen of everything that I wish for.

Alive today? So it seems! Migraine? Present! Heartache? Here! My birthday? Today!

I could smile as I always do and pretend I am fine and happy but I no longer wish to play this role! I am no longer Ioana! I am myself ! My own beautiful self that I am so proud of! I sometimes get terrified thinking people will not understand me and they will run away that I am afraid to show myself. I am being Ioana! Polite, kind, funny, sometimes witty and mainly shy.
I want to be myself! Wild, free and untamed! I do not care about weather, politics or any mainstream media. I hate small talk! Tell me about yourself! I want to know what makes you tick! I want to know what you believe about God or about the beginning of earth! Are you Lilith's or Eve's daughter? Are you a coward as Adam was? There's no shame in being a coward if that's who you are! Just embrace it and let your light shine! I am more of Lilith's daughter! The real Lilith! Not the one you read in your silly little books written by narrow minded people who wanted to leave a mark on humanity as the truly dicks that they were! And yes, you read that right! I said dicks! I do enjoy swearing! I don't need to swear but life sounds less boring when you swear, I can see some reactions already!

I don't get bored! It's a trait of intelligence, just in case you're the same! I make the most of what life has to offer and I live for here and now! There's no yesterday or tomorrow. Today, here and now is all I have! No matter how many times life knocked me down I always managed to get up. I am a fast learner but sometimes when not paying sufficient attention I tent to fail. I also have faith in people as in my head there are no mean people, just people who are misunderstood. So, if you decide to come into my life and then leave it without a word, I would probably stop for a while trying to understand. Sometimes things are well above my understanding so it's then when I decide to learn a new lesson and move on. That does not mean that you didn't broke something inside me or that I do not care! It means that I respect your decision mainly because I am firm believer that it was me who asked you for this favour before we were even born, so I thank you for showing up and teaching me this valuable lesson.

I was worried a while ago thinking that I no longer can feel love and even started to doubt that I ever felt love and then a teacher came into my life to make me realised that I can feel love and have a huge range of feelings and also gave me my inspiration back. I was disappointed and grateful at the same time. But I know that there's more to life than a broken heart and everything comes and goes. As long as I am true to myself nothing can stop me.

Yours truly!

Popular posts from this blog

Crave

The space between the worlds where I can find myself without looking in the water reflection and getting a glimpse of what I once was and what I long to be.

There are no thoughts just the silence of my own soul.My armour is abandoned at the door I am free of darkness. I shred layer after layer until I walk naked and the ground shivers beneath my feet, the sun kisses all my imperfections and the wind calls my name. I will no longer hide behind the vail of lies. I raise my arms to the sky and I know I am where I belong. If this place would actually exist and have a name I could probably call it 'home'

Here, I allow myself to be. I can be simple, can be nobody and nobody's. I am nobody's child, nobody's lover, nobody's mother.

No longer the exhausted body that strives to look beautiful and thin to please those who can only see.
No longer the smile that shows up every time insecurities surface to impress those who judge.
No longer the laughter that hides a cry to …

Piano

Nothing touches my soul like the sound of piano. The sound of flaps tickles a string deeply buried and makes me want to come alive. I suddenly wake up as if after centuries of hibernation and re-live all that I missed, like a fast forward. I laugh a little, I cry a little and then shake it off and start dancing to the rhythm of this amazing piano.

Wish I was a ballerina so I can do the music justice and make you notice me flowig with the music but I am what I am and I close my eyes dreaming of what I could have been, should have been and will be... I will never be a ballerina nor what you wished me to be and I cannot seem to be able to forgive myself for that. I look into your eyes hoping for reassurance but I cannot find myself. I am shouting so loud hoping to get your attention but it is too late, I have faded like a light in the dusk.

I wish I could get all the answers from you but I have no idea what my questions were. I wish I could touch your heart to make it better and whole …

Games

I always know when it's time to let go but I sometimes want to believe others and decided to trust their poor words instead of myself. There is a great price to pay when you fail to listen and it was great settling the bill and even greater to be up to date with my debts. No regrets my darling, just gratitude.

I have learned my darling a great deal from my mistakes. I now know that not everyone is ready to love or be loved. Love is a scary thing when you don't know who you truly are or what your purpose is but mainly when you don't love yourself. The emptiness you feel inside that you desperately try to fill with alcohol or work will never get filled. Worry not, most people are the same and maybe one day you will have the courage to confront your fears and give yourself a chance. You truly deserve it!

Two and a half kiss later I am still where I was when I first meet you. Total darkness. Were you real or was it just my overactive imagination. The door to your heart was alw…