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It's my birthday!

I woke up in agony thinking I am dying. Run to the mirror to check if I can still see my reflection and there I was. Devastated and scared. I fell on my knees. There is something sacred in falling on your knees and nothing can take that away from you. I  begun to pray while my tears were rolling down my cheeks, neck, breasts and stomach.I can be the queen of rain if I get upset but I can be the queen of everything that I wish for.

Alive today? So it seems! Migraine? Present! Heartache? Here! My birthday? Today!

I could smile as I always do and pretend I am fine and happy but I no longer wish to play this role! I am no longer Ioana! I am myself ! My own beautiful self that I am so proud of! I sometimes get terrified thinking people will not understand me and they will run away that I am afraid to show myself. I am being Ioana! Polite, kind, funny, sometimes witty and mainly shy.
I want to be myself! Wild, free and untamed! I do not care about weather, politics or any mainstream media. I hate small talk! Tell me about yourself! I want to know what makes you tick! I want to know what you believe about God or about the beginning of earth! Are you Lilith's or Eve's daughter? Are you a coward as Adam was? There's no shame in being a coward if that's who you are! Just embrace it and let your light shine! I am more of Lilith's daughter! The real Lilith! Not the one you read in your silly little books written by narrow minded people who wanted to leave a mark on humanity as the truly dicks that they were! And yes, you read that right! I said dicks! I do enjoy swearing! I don't need to swear but life sounds less boring when you swear, I can see some reactions already!

I don't get bored! It's a trait of intelligence, just in case you're the same! I make the most of what life has to offer and I live for here and now! There's no yesterday or tomorrow. Today, here and now is all I have! No matter how many times life knocked me down I always managed to get up. I am a fast learner but sometimes when not paying sufficient attention I tent to fail. I also have faith in people as in my head there are no mean people, just people who are misunderstood. So, if you decide to come into my life and then leave it without a word, I would probably stop for a while trying to understand. Sometimes things are well above my understanding so it's then when I decide to learn a new lesson and move on. That does not mean that you didn't broke something inside me or that I do not care! It means that I respect your decision mainly because I am firm believer that it was me who asked you for this favour before we were even born, so I thank you for showing up and teaching me this valuable lesson.

I was worried a while ago thinking that I no longer can feel love and even started to doubt that I ever felt love and then a teacher came into my life to make me realised that I can feel love and have a huge range of feelings and also gave me my inspiration back. I was disappointed and grateful at the same time. But I know that there's more to life than a broken heart and everything comes and goes. As long as I am true to myself nothing can stop me.

Yours truly!

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Am putine prietene cel putin de la o vreme iar azi am avut senzatia ca prietenia mea este pusa la incercare.
Intrand in sala de mese nu am putut sa nu observ cu coada ochilui doua din prietenele mele susotind in spatele mele. Nu am fost deranjata de susoteala in site pe cat am fost deranjata de faptul ca in sala de mese nu ne aflam decat noi trei si credeam ca suntem prietene cu toate .
Am asteptat pasnica pana cand susoteala a luat sfarsit, una din fete parasind sala de mese.
Nell, s-a asezat in fata mea zambind :
- Jo (lumea aici nu stie de Ioana, cu Jo) maine la ce ora ne intalnim?
I-am ignorat intrebare in timp de rasfoiam absenta o revista stupida a carui nume nici macar nu m-am obisit sa il citesc.
-Cine mai vine? M-a intrebat Nell vesela, fara sa fi observat faptul ca o ignor.
Mi-am ridicat privirea si i-am zabit :
-Nell, te consideri prietena mea? Am intrebat-o pe un ton ce-l doream calm
Nell ma privi speriata fata a intelege ce se intampla
-Ce inreba....
-Da sau nu, Nell i-am…

Crave

The space between the worlds where I can find myself without looking in the water reflection and getting a glimpse of what I once was and what I long to be.

There are no thoughts just the silence of my own soul.My armour is abandoned at the door I am free of darkness. I shred layer after layer until I walk naked and the ground shivers beneath my feet, the sun kisses all my imperfections and the wind calls my name. I will no longer hide behind the vail of lies. I raise my arms to the sky and I know I am where I belong. If this place would actually exist and have a name I could probably call it 'home'

Here, I allow myself to be. I can be simple, can be nobody and nobody's. I am nobody's child, nobody's lover, nobody's mother.

No longer the exhausted body that strives to look beautiful and thin to please those who can only see.
No longer the smile that shows up every time insecurities surface to impress those who judge.
No longer the laughter that hides a cry to …