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Ultima data

Ultima dimineata cand te-ai trezit, am fost la lectii de zbor cu Andrei. In timp de ma jucam cu Sara in sala de asteptare parca te-ai oprit langa mine, am privit in gol pret de cateva clipe. Am scuturat din cap in timp ce-mi stergeam lacrimile, pentru a-mi alunga gandurile triste care imi dadeau tarcoale.
Stii ca nu vroiam sa-mi iau ramas bun dar nu vroiam sa stiu suferind, de ce suferinta mea trebuia sa insemne pacea ta?

O conversatie banala cateva mii de suspine mai incolo ,imi spune o Ea: 'eu, am fost mereu fata tati!' imi spune fara a stii ca in mine s-a trezit realitatea, racnindu-mi crudul adevar in fata: 'tu nu mai esti si nici n-ai sa mai fii vredata fata tati' am alergat la masina plangand dorind sa alerg pana la capatul zilelor mele sa te pot vedea din nou.

Apoi au venit toate sa ma bantuie: ultima data cand ti-am vorbit, ultima data cand mi-ai spus, ultima data ca m-ai vazut, ultima data cand m-ai rugat, ultima data urmata de dureroasa 'prima data'...cand e ziua mea fara tine, prima data cand de 28 iulie nu mai esti, prima data cand e Craciun fara tine, prima data cand se schimba anul si tu nu stii...

Te voi pastra mereu in suflet si-n fiecare celula a corpului meu, in fiecare bataie de inima,in fiecare tremur, in fiecare suspin, in fiecare lacrima, in fiecare zambet, in fiecare respiratie pana la pierderea ei....pentru ca mai apoi sa te pot regasi pe tine

Odihneste-te in pace, tata.

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The space between the worlds where I can find myself without looking in the water reflection and getting a glimpse of what I once was and what I long to be.

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Here, I allow myself to be. I can be simple, can be nobody and nobody's. I am nobody's child, nobody's lover, nobody's mother.

No longer the exhausted body that strives to look beautiful and thin to please those who can only see.
No longer the smile that shows up every time insecurities surface to impress those who judge.
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