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Ultima data

Ultima dimineata cand te-ai trezit, am fost la lectii de zbor cu Andrei. In timp de ma jucam cu Sara in sala de asteptare parca te-ai oprit langa mine, am privit in gol pret de cateva clipe. Am scuturat din cap in timp ce-mi stergeam lacrimile, pentru a-mi alunga gandurile triste care imi dadeau tarcoale.
Stii ca nu vroiam sa-mi iau ramas bun dar nu vroiam sa stiu suferind, de ce suferinta mea trebuia sa insemne pacea ta?

O conversatie banala cateva mii de suspine mai incolo ,imi spune o Ea: 'eu, am fost mereu fata tati!' imi spune fara a stii ca in mine s-a trezit realitatea, racnindu-mi crudul adevar in fata: 'tu nu mai esti si nici n-ai sa mai fii vredata fata tati' am alergat la masina plangand dorind sa alerg pana la capatul zilelor mele sa te pot vedea din nou.

Apoi au venit toate sa ma bantuie: ultima data cand ti-am vorbit, ultima data cand mi-ai spus, ultima data ca m-ai vazut, ultima data cand m-ai rugat, ultima data urmata de dureroasa 'prima data'...cand e ziua mea fara tine, prima data cand de 28 iulie nu mai esti, prima data cand e Craciun fara tine, prima data cand se schimba anul si tu nu stii...

Te voi pastra mereu in suflet si-n fiecare celula a corpului meu, in fiecare bataie de inima,in fiecare tremur, in fiecare suspin, in fiecare lacrima, in fiecare zambet, in fiecare respiratie pana la pierderea ei....pentru ca mai apoi sa te pot regasi pe tine

Odihneste-te in pace, tata.

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Here we are again! I hoped you got lost in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.

I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think that all this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.   A deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.

I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clu…


The space between the worlds where I can find myself without looking in the water reflection and getting a glimpse of what I once was and what I long to be.

There are no thoughts just the silence of my own soul.My armour is abandoned at the door I am free of darkness. I shred layer after layer until I walk naked and the ground shivers beneath my feet, the sun kisses all my imperfections and the wind calls my name. I will no longer hide behind the vail of lies. I raise my arms to the sky and I know I am where I belong. If this place would actually exist and have a name I could probably call it 'home'

Here, I allow myself to be. I can be simple, can be nobody and nobody's. I am nobody's child, nobody's lover, nobody's mother.

No longer the exhausted body that strives to look beautiful and thin to please those who can only see.
No longer the smile that shows up every time insecurities surface to impress those who judge.
No longer the laughter that hides a cry to …