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Inca nu ai inteles

Dupa o luna de suferinta pot sa respir,chiar daca o fac cu jumate de masura -doar cu o nara- sunt in culmea fericirii! Pot respira! O ora de liniste, fara a ma sufoca, fara a ma inneca fara a-mi sufla nasul la fiecare 10 minute.

Ma simt ca un nou nascut, fericita sa simt aerul in plamani parca pentru prima data.

Am incercat mereu sa cred in sistem, sa ii inteleg rostul si sa nu-i neg meritele. Dar azi am inteles ca pana la urma soarta mea e in mainile mele!  Pana acum sustineam doctorii britanici, medicii de familie in genere, acum insa am inteles pana la urma farmaciile ar trebui sa aiba si alte medicamente in dotare nu doar paracetamol si ibuprofen - astea sunt singurele medicamente pe care doctorul mi le-a prescris pana acum, indiferent de problema mea-! A... mint mi-a dar tratament pentru reflux cand i-am spus ca am epidoade in care ma innec fara a manca sau bea spray de nas cand i-am spus ca nu pot respira si am senzatia ca ma sufoc! Analize? Nici vorba, incercam tratamentul asta o luna sa vedem cum te simti dupa! Noroc ca am niste antibiotice in frigider, o pastila si pot in sfarsit sa respir! De ce oare trebuie sa fie totul atat de complicat aici? Se pare ca intr-adevar nu poti sa le ai pe toate. Astept sa merg in Romania sa imi fac un set complet de analize!  ( trag aer in deh, imi permit acum! )

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You and I

Here we are again! I hoped you got lost in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.

I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think that all this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.   A deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.

I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clu…


The space between the worlds where I can find myself without looking in the water reflection and getting a glimpse of what I once was and what I long to be.

There are no thoughts just the silence of my own soul.My armour is abandoned at the door I am free of darkness. I shred layer after layer until I walk naked and the ground shivers beneath my feet, the sun kisses all my imperfections and the wind calls my name. I will no longer hide behind the vail of lies. I raise my arms to the sky and I know I am where I belong. If this place would actually exist and have a name I could probably call it 'home'

Here, I allow myself to be. I can be simple, can be nobody and nobody's. I am nobody's child, nobody's lover, nobody's mother.

No longer the exhausted body that strives to look beautiful and thin to please those who can only see.
No longer the smile that shows up every time insecurities surface to impress those who judge.
No longer the laughter that hides a cry to …