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6 Septembrie '99


In ultima vreme nu mi s-a intamplat prea des sa vorbesc cu mama dar azi m-am decis sa o sun. Mama e nostalgica uneori iar eu ma simt stanjenita pentru ca majoritatea evenimentelor 'majore' nu mi le amintesc iar ea se pare ca se hraneste cu ele. Ca orice mama isi aminteste de la primul meu plans pana la ultima mea sclipire, isi aminteste noptile in care dormeam zambind, zilele cand eram prea visatoare si dupa amiezile prea plictisitoare.
Azi mama plangea la telefon si nu intelegeam de ce, niciodata nu stiu daca am facut ceva gresit sau daca i-am provocat o mare fericire caci mama plange la amandoua. Mama mi-a povestit de data de 6 septembrie 1999 iar eu am intreban 'cine a murit atunci, ca nu mai tin minte' a trecut o vreme pana sa imi raspunsa ' atunci ai plecat tu la Bucuresti la facultate si de atunci numar orele pe an, de cate ori te vad....iar anul asta nu te-am vazut deloc...atunci te-am pierdut eu: 6 septembrie 1999 la ora 10 seara, cand ai plecat, de tot...'
Parerile de rau le-am lasat in urma mea, pe peron dar n-a fost nimeni sa le culeaga.

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Here we are again! I hoped you got lost in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.



I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think that all this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.   A deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.



I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clu…

Your world vs mine

I can see you protecting yourself from me so I raised my shield to protect myself from you.Here we are with our guards up awaiting for a war to start or a white flag to be raised but no one seems willing to raise it. I go back to all my hurts and tell myself off for being a failure and never learning.You turn to confront your demons.
I am again walking in the valley of unworthyness and tears bring me to surrender. I no longer wish to be strong. Like is a constant fight and I am exhausted on having to fight for every little thing I want.
I wanted you but you asked me to wait as if there was some test you expected me to fail.  Why does love has to be so complicated even before it begins??? 
If love is what you're looking for,  aren't you supposed to give it a chance?  Aren't you supposed to run towards it?? Am I something that has to tick all the right boxed before you decide if I am worthy to be let in? 
I will save you the time and trouble.  I am not.
Not worthy at all…