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6 Septembrie '99

In ultima vreme nu mi s-a intamplat prea des sa vorbesc cu mama dar azi m-am decis sa o sun. Mama e nostalgica uneori iar eu ma simt stanjenita pentru ca majoritatea evenimentelor 'majore' nu mi le amintesc iar ea se pare ca se hraneste cu ele. Ca orice mama isi aminteste de la primul meu plans pana la ultima mea sclipire, isi aminteste noptile in care dormeam zambind, zilele cand eram prea visatoare si dupa amiezile prea plictisitoare.
Azi mama plangea la telefon si nu intelegeam de ce, niciodata nu stiu daca am facut ceva gresit sau daca i-am provocat o mare fericire caci mama plange la amandoua. Mama mi-a povestit de data de 6 septembrie 1999 iar eu am intreban 'cine a murit atunci, ca nu mai tin minte' a trecut o vreme pana sa imi raspunsa ' atunci ai plecat tu la Bucuresti la facultate si de atunci numar orele pe an, de cate ori te vad....iar anul asta nu te-am vazut deloc...atunci te-am pierdut eu: 6 septembrie 1999 la ora 10 seara, cand ai plecat, de tot...'
Parerile de rau le-am lasat in urma mea, pe peron dar n-a fost nimeni sa le culeaga.

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Here we are again! I hoped you got lost in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.

I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think that all this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.   A deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.

I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clu…


The space between the worlds where I can find myself without looking in the water reflection and getting a glimpse of what I once was and what I long to be.

There are no thoughts just the silence of my own soul.My armour is abandoned at the door I am free of darkness. I shred layer after layer until I walk naked and the ground shivers beneath my feet, the sun kisses all my imperfections and the wind calls my name. I will no longer hide behind the vail of lies. I raise my arms to the sky and I know I am where I belong. If this place would actually exist and have a name I could probably call it 'home'

Here, I allow myself to be. I can be simple, can be nobody and nobody's. I am nobody's child, nobody's lover, nobody's mother.

No longer the exhausted body that strives to look beautiful and thin to please those who can only see.
No longer the smile that shows up every time insecurities surface to impress those who judge.
No longer the laughter that hides a cry to …