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Nil - Part I

I found myself puzzled these days. 

I was told that the only function of the heart is to pump blood to the lungs to be saturated with oxygen, and then pump it out into the body to supply the cells with oxygen. I was suspicious for a while as I heard people talking about love and somehow they used to place the heart in the middle of this strange phenomenon. Therefore, in my head the heart was also pumping blood into love. Having a congenital heart disorder I thought it's just normal to feel pain whenever in the heart proximity. I was told by experts that I was wrong and led to believe that I could function without a beating heart, defying all rules of creation. I was explained that my heart was a trinket, and at times I might experience pain. After solemnly swearing in oath that I shall keep my heart only as a decoration, I was given some Paracetamol and released on parole. I was having what others would describe a seemingly good life.
After years of good practice I found myself l…
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Old days

I am catching snowflakes with my tongue. It's winter again, not the winter of my life but I can feel the cold to the core of my soul. Have you noticed how fear creeps up when it's cold in your soul?

I invited the winter in, thinking I was ready. How naïve! Who's ever ready for winter? Not us!

I turned to you and I felt the door to your heart closing in my face. I felt I was losing you, like water in my palm, I was desperately trying to keep you safe in my hand. When I don't hear your voice I feel like I am losing a part of me and turn into a warrior who would do anything in her power to keep that from happening. I cannot lose you! Losing you is like losing my head! My heart was freezing and I hoped you would warm me up.
It might have overreacted when I said I didn't want you anymore but we both know that was not true. I blamed you for all the pain I was carrying in my crippled heart since I was born. I needed you to save me from myself, but somehow you also needed…

You and I

Here we are again! I hoped you got lost, in the nothingness of all the days that have passed since we last stood face to face, separated by darkness only. I can feel your breath on my neck and in my mind I am begging you again to let me go.



I feel your shadow surrounding me, your musty scent poisons the air around me.  Like a bad sin, you never stay away for too long. You call it 'love', I call it 'curse'. You think this is a game and I enjoy your company. Maybe you're just as confused as I am and mistake my tears for rain and my scream for help with a lullaby.  I take a deep breath before I turn to face you, your poisons scent inundates every cell in my lungs . I curse the moment I was born and wish I could run to the end of the world and hide in a cage for the rest of my miserable life.



I can see your sharp teeth shining in the candle light while you laugh in my face. Your unkind touch  makes me tremble beyond control. I am stretching my arm in the dark in a clumsy…

Ashes to Dust

When the air gets unbreathable, I nudge myself to move on ignoring my human conditioning . 'I am not giving up' I whisper to an immune and unamused God then I hand  Him the ropes.I am just a marionette after all. I am dust and to dust I shall return

The day I will turn to ashes no pain that I have endured will matter, the tears I have shed will have long dried and got forgotten No one will know to tell the story I have lived and the pain that devoured my aching lost soul. My days will seem so distant, as distant as your heart. I will take back the love I have showered you with. I will take my love back and you will get to feel the emptiness of your own soul without my love being there to lit the lights of your being. I will be able to forgive you at last for condescending attitude and inability to open your heart.

All that I have ever cared for will no longer matter, the musty dust will cover most of the places I once used to find comfort in. My bed will be messy as usual but…

Intermezzo

Daca am putea sa vedem lumea care ne inconjoara cu ochii mintii in loc de cei ai sufletului indoit, poate am reusi sa intelegem ca nu facem altceva decat sa ne proiectam temerile exacerbate. Te vad prin umbra din sufletul meu. Desi nu fugi de mine stiu ca nu esti aici. Sufletul tau e inca hoinar si uneori ma tem ca orice as putea sa fac nu va fii nicicand suficient. Genunchii mei zgariati pe marmura prea rece a  bisericii a carei deitate e prea ocupata sa imi auda ruga nu vor schimba nimic din ceea ce e sortit sa fie. Poate nu sunt sortita sa fiu. Ma tem ca sunt doar un intermezzo intr-o piesa a carei grandoare nu am sa o inteleg cu adevarat vreodata. Imi retrag mainile care-mi poarta sufletul pe o tava de argint.Imi ascund mainile, tava si sufletul simimtindu-ma oarecum inadecvata. 
 Nu ma lasa sa fiu doar o oarecare, pierduta prin meantul amintirilor vagi. E obositor sa bati la usi intredeschise, nu stii daca e indicat sa intri sau sa astepti. Ca in jocul 'Un, doi, trei la peret…

Echoes

Maybe coming here was not such a good idea afterall.  Perhaps I should have think things through.  I fell trapped under an avalanche of thoughts and emotions.  Like a broken record I repeat to myself ' you don't belong here' voicing out all those thoughts will not stop my hands from shaking or others thinking it. 
I could have conquered the word but I choose not to,  call it fear,  call it laziness,  call it misfortune or as your wish but the end result is the same. I stopped and now I fell inappropriate. 
The real question is if I am ready to feel inappropriate  or if I should go back. The distant echos are coming back ' You don't belong here'.

Your world vs mine

I can see you protecting yourself from me so I raised my shield to protect myself from you.Here we are with our guards up awaiting for a war to start or a white flag to be raised but no one seems willing to raise it. I go back to all my hurts and tell myself off for being a failure and never learning.You turn to confront your demons.
I am again walking in the valley of unworthyness and tears bring me to surrender. I no longer wish to be strong. Like is a constant fight and I am exhausted on having to fight for every little thing I want.
I wanted you but you asked me to wait as if there was some test you expected me to fail.  Why does love has to be so complicated even before it begins??? 
If love is what you're looking for,  aren't you supposed to give it a chance?  Aren't you supposed to run towards it?? Am I something that has to tick all the right boxed before you decide if I am worthy to be let in? 
I will save you the time and trouble.  I am not.
Not worthy at all…