Pagini

joi, 3 august 2017

Moving on and standing still

I slowly start to remember who I am, going back to whom I was. I was something before you. I was someone before you. I somehow forgot it all and got lost on my way to becoming something you take interest in.

I am not my sorrows nor my tears . I am not my fake smile. I am no longer all that

They say time will heal me but I feel like I am running out of time and it's so freaking painful that it feels like this will be the end of me. This will be the end of me if I don't turn around and leave.

I no longer remember your every single detail of your face....Just your eyes looking at me like I was an alien, your lips touching mine taking my breath away, your silly smile, your stupid beard that irritates me and you....all of you. Can barely remember you! So, I must be making fucking progress!

There are no signs of you in my life, not that you have been a serious part of it because you never seemed to let me in, the door to your heart was always closed. I should have known better.

I am no longer bitter and angry with myself. I am angry with you! I cursed you from the bottom of my heart and wished you feel the same pain I felt, or worse if that was possible. You're the first person I have ever cursed and it felt amazing. I should curse you more! You know when you said I was a witch? I pray you were right!

Nevertheless I need to count my blessing and move on. I turned back to everyone I took for granted and everyone that I left without a word, a stupid way of somehow balancing freaking Karma? I don't know I just suddenly felt guilty after experiencing this! No one deserves to suffer ! Ok, maybe you do...the exception to confirm the rule! So I sent my 'I'm sorry I was a dick message' and the reaction was a overwhelming because I was not expecting anything in return but it was nice to know I wasn't as bad as I thought, I wasn't as bad as you!

luni, 31 iulie 2017

To my Houdini


Before you did your last trick of your show, The Prestige, I wish I asked you so many things. I remember so little as I got distracted by your great performance. The bunny in the hat, the hypnosis act all made me feel great but your final act, the Prestige left me speechless. You were nowhere to be found and left without a word at my best ... on my birthday! A unique way to say Happy Birthday ?Now, that's a real Prestige and you're the greatest Houdini this world has known to this day!

I usually can tell every trick in the book. I was suspicious I must admit as I recognised all the tricks but somehow let myself believe it was all real and then boom! The final act and now the curtain has fallen and I am sitting here in disbelief with the ticket in my hand - the only thing that proves it was all real not just my mind playing sick jokes on me-

A round of applause just for you! Thank you for the great show!

My heart knows

I always struggled to find a common ground between my heart and mind, it seems like they're continually disagree. My heart wants to love and feel love does not care much about repercussions, she wants to live here and now! My heart seeks experiences and wants to live then fully knowing that I am truly eternal! I was never truly born and will never die! There's no beginning or end in my heart, There is now and there is feelings that I want to feel to the core. My heart wants to experiment every inch of this life and it does not matter what the consequences are. She shouts from the top to the highest mountain: 'I want love! I want to love and be loved! I want to let down and be let down! I want to hate and be hated. I want to laugh and cry ! Who cares if I get hurt!? It's all about the experience.

My mind, my wise mind acts like an old policeman who wants to protect me from everything that my heart desires. He comes to be as an over cautions friend and looks at me suspicious, as I was suffering of some kind of temporary madness. He thinks I was just born and if I am not careful I will die too soon so he's here to protect me. He has his best interest at heart, funny right?  He does not understand feelings, he thinks that feelings are a luxury and no one should afford. Felling are asking me to close all the doors and put locks, no one is to be let in and nothing is to be let out. I should focus on my jobs, I should eat healthier and sleep way more! And he advises me : ' let feelings go otherwise it will break your heart and kill me!' Let's forget about all this funny business he advises.

I am split in two and you're in the middle of my torment. I listened to my heart but my mind was right.

My heart wants to hold on and my mind wants to let go.

It's past midnight and my heart calls your name over and over again. My mind sits in the corner with a smug smile on his face making shout out all the wrong names. Do you think that if I were to remember your name you would come back?


joi, 27 iulie 2017

It's my birthday!

I woke up in agony thinking I am dying. Run to the mirror to check if I can still see my reflection and there I was. Devastated and scared. I fell on my knees. There is something sacred in falling on your knees and nothing can take that away from you. I  begun to pray while my tears were rolling down my cheeks, neck, breasts and stomach.I can be the queen of rain if I get upset but I can be the queen of everything that I wish for.

Alive today? So it seems! Migraine? Present! Heartache? Here! My birthday? Today!

I could smile as I always do and pretend I am fine and happy but I no longer wish to play this role! I am no longer Ioana! I am myself ! My own beautiful self that I am so proud of! I sometimes get terrified thinking people will not understand me and they will run away that I am afraid to show myself. I am being Ioana! Polite, kind, funny, sometimes witty and mainly shy.
I want to be myself! Wild, free and untamed! I do not care about weather, politics or any mainstream media. I hate small talk! Tell me about yourself! I want to know what makes you tick! I want to know what you believe about God or about the beginning of earth! Are you Lilith's or Eve's daughter? Are you a coward as Adam was? There's no shame in being a coward if that's who you are! Just embrace it and let your light shine! I am more of Lilith's daughter! The real Lilith! Not the one you read in your silly little books written by narrow minded people who wanted to leave a mark on humanity as the truly dicks that they were! And yes, you read that right! I said dicks! I do enjoy swearing! I don't need to swear but life sounds less boring when you swear, I can see some reactions already!

I don't get bored! It's a trait of intelligence, just in case you're the same! I make the most of what life has to offer and I live for here and now! There's no yesterday or tomorrow. Today, here and now is all I have! No matter how many times life knocked me down I always managed to get up. I am a fast learner but sometimes when not paying sufficient attention I tent to fail. I also have faith in people as in my head there are no mean people, just people who are misunderstood. So, if you decide to come into my life and then leave it without a word, I would probably stop for a while trying to understand. Sometimes things are well above my understanding so it's then when I decide to learn a new lesson and move on. That does not mean that you didn't broke something inside me or that I do not care! It means that I respect your decision mainly because I am firm believer that it was me who asked you for this favour before we were even born, so I thank you for showing up and teaching me this valuable lesson.

I was worried a while ago thinking that I no longer can feel love and even started to doubt that I ever felt love and then a teacher came into my life to make me realised that I can feel love and have a huge range of feelings and also gave me my inspiration back. I was disappointed and grateful at the same time. But I know that there's more to life than a broken heart and everything comes and goes. As long as I am true to myself nothing can stop me.

Yours truly!

Games

I always know when it's time to let go but I sometimes want to believe others and decided to trust their poor words instead of myself. There is a great price to pay when you fail to listen and it was great settling the bill and even greater to be up to date with my debts. No regrets my darling, just gratitude.

I have learned my darling a great deal from my mistakes. I now know that not everyone is ready to love or be loved. Love is a scary thing when you don't know who you truly are or what your purpose is but mainly when you don't love yourself. The emptiness you feel inside that you desperately try to fill with alcohol or work will never get filled. Worry not, most people are the same and maybe one day you will have the courage to confront your fears and give yourself a chance. You truly deserve it!

Two and a half kiss later I am still where I was when I first meet you. Total darkness. Were you real or was it just my overactive imagination. The door to your heart was always closed and so were the other doors. I got a glimpse of your soul...and you were amazing, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You have a beautiful soul and resonate to mine at so many levels that I find it hard to explain in words. I feel you...and I see you. You and only you. Even if you are not ready to accept a lot of things you free to run as far as you like but we both know that you will never be able to hide from me. You can pretend I don't exist but I know what you truly feel. Run and do your thing, avoid feelings for as much as you like. Lie to yourself for as long as you need, it's ok.

I will be right here, picking up cobwebs from the corners of my soul. I will be signing and dancing in the moonlight. I will die and be born again. I will love and be loved.

When you get tired of playing games come back to me, I might be still young.

Beautiful words

I wish I could take all your beautiful words and magically turn them into heavy pieces of broken art. Then, as I no longer have use of them nor I trust them, I would catapult them back to you....just in case you might need them again :P

vineri, 14 iulie 2017

Crave


The space between the worlds where I can find myself without looking in the water reflection and getting a glimpse of what I once was and what I long to be.

There are no thoughts just the silence of my own soul.My armour is abandoned at the door I am free of darkness. I shred layer after layer until I walk naked and the ground shivers beneath my feet, the sun kisses all my imperfections and the wind calls my name. I will no longer hide behind the vail of lies. I raise my arms to the sky and I know I am where I belong. If this place would actually exist and have a name I could probably call it 'home'

Here, I allow myself to be. I can be simple, can be nobody and nobody's. I am nobody's child, nobody's lover, nobody's mother.

No longer the exhausted body that strives to look beautiful and thin to please those who can only see.
No longer the smile that shows up every time insecurities surface to impress those who judge.
No longer the laughter that hides a cry to trick those who can only hear.
No more promises for a better life that I cannot keep.
No longer waiting for the knight in shining armour to save me, tame me or understand me.

Today, is all I have and all I have is enough.

Beautiful enough
Kind enough
Intelligent enough
Admired enough
Loved enough
Happy enough.


Today, I AM !


joi, 13 iulie 2017

Piano

Nothing touches my soul like the sound of piano. The sound of flaps tickles a string deeply buried and makes me want to come alive. I suddenly wake up as if after centuries of hibernation and re-live all that I missed, like a fast forward. I laugh a little, I cry a little and then shake it off and start dancing to the rhythm of this amazing piano.

Wish I was a ballerina so I can do the music justice and make you notice me flowig with the music but I am what I am and I close my eyes dreaming of what I could have been, should have been and will be... I will never be a ballerina nor what you wished me to be and I cannot seem to be able to forgive myself for that. I look into your eyes hoping for reassurance but I cannot find myself. I am shouting so loud hoping to get your attention but it is too late, I have faded like a light in the dusk.

I wish I could get all the answers from you but I have no idea what my questions were. I wish I could touch your heart to make it better and whole again. I wish I could touch your dreams as I used to.

The days disappear taking with them all the dreams that we made and what yesterday was promising. Today is so empty and looks like a leaf in the wind flying away from me. I can feel my tears of desperation running after all my lost dreams and there are so many cross roads and they all go different directions while I am here not knowing where to go. I turn to all sorts of Gods as I would when I am at the lowest, asking for guidance and each one shows me his truth and road. .

There is no shame in kneeling and crying at cross roads nor screaming from the top of lungs or wishing you were a ballerina so you can waltz my way out of this. I cursed the moment I was born and wish I was pointing fingers at everyone but there's no one around. On my own, again. It's like Karma has decided to play a stupid joke on me. Was everyone on this planet busy? Why couldn't she pick someone else to play with this silly stupid game! WHY ME??? The eternal question made by so many people when life decided to play vicious games on them. Surely, it's not my fault! It can't be! It mustn't !

Defeated I plan to return home, only if I knew where I was or where home was or who I was.

I am walking these empty streets trying to find my way. I have no idea where I am going or why but I will no longer stay here, I don't belong here. Not sure if I belong where I am going to or if I will ever belong somewhere else or even if I am meant to.

'There is a beauty in not knowing what's next and a bit of adventure never hurt anyone' I could hear myself encouraging others and I smile as I always do when I have no idea what to do.

I forgive you! It's the least I can do for all that you have given me. I may never be a ballerina but I got wings.

Thank you.










duminică, 11 ianuarie 2015

marți, 12 august 2014

Silence

All the confessions remained unsaid, all the questions remained unasked, all the answers remained untold, all the feelings that remained unspoken of... All these conversations we never had my love, where have they gone? Did they took their tool on you?
In you absence, I have created - with my magic wand- your clone in my heart and tried to fill the gap with imaginary wonderful conversations. I am old enough to know better by now than to delude myself on empty scenarios but I guess it was just my loneliness talking. Therefore I decided to be lonely no more.

The big words that I never got to tell you, will they keep you warm at night? When silence falls between us I feel left behind deserted, empty and lonely ...All my life I had no choice but to be strong and brave but sometimes might have lost myself on the dark roads but I am here now. The only think I ask of you is not to break my heart. I rather know the the truth, if there's still one in your heart than this soul killing silence.

Don't let your silence do the talking, I said a while ago and you smiled at me surrounding me with more silence.

Most of those important people in my life were in my life either because I had to learn something from them or because they had to learn something from me. At first I smiled and labeled you as ' learner' now I smile and add '/Teacher'


duminică, 10 august 2014

Please don't judge me


There's so much silence surrounding you and I, from now on I shall call it our silence. I loved you until all your hope and amazement got contagious, then I heard your voice and saw your face and all my apathy went down the drain.

Every time I wanted to you to stop, I found myself pulling your hair and whispering in your ear how much I wanted you until I stooped wanting you and started wanting more.

If you wish you can lie to me but, only for as long as I will allow it. I will turn a blind eye and pretend I did not notice or understood your silence. However, no matter how lonely I get or how I feel I could never, under any circumstances lie to myself into believing even for a second that I am more to you than I am.

When we make love, if  love is what we are making, it seems that your body is telling me all the things you can't. I miss you and I can almost taste every time 'I missed you'

 Look at me until the end of time and never ask why as I got a goldfish's memory,remember?

sâmbătă, 9 august 2014

Just because

'just write like no one will ever read'

I am happy .... for all the wrong reasons and smiling for all the right ones. They say that your happiness is a state of mind and you should never depend on other people to make you happy but still,when the wind gets cold and the days grow grey it is the other people and they little kind gestures that make our life worthwhile and meaningful.

I nor my happiness do no depend on anyone but myself and if I ever turn to you and let you see tears in my eyes they must be tears of joy as I never understood the tear apart.

Happiness unlike love can be contagious. I am happy, because you are  !


***

You're my soul's reflection. Those moments when you quietly look into my eyes  I can feel your  thoughts running through my veins, as when you go quiet your thoughts go louder. And I know that you know, that I know.

----

 I am discovering myself , around you.


miercuri, 23 iulie 2014

Wake up!

It's just an illusion, the image I wish to see is not there anymore,the words I seek have vanished as if it they never existed, the piano has stooped playing the obsessive tune  in my head, there's only cold emptiness in all corners of my aching soul. Another disillusion of a weak heart tricked by a master mind. Was it real at least for a moment in time? I touch my face as if  by magic it would reveal the truth denied. I am. I am what I am and there's nothing I can to do about that.

In the morning sun light I believe I'm real but by sun set I doubt everything around me.

- Try and live with yourself, you' re the only thing you got left ! he says smiling in the dark corner of the room, haunting me:  It's just you between the four white empty walls. No one ever comes in and you never go out. They all call you names....'the woman with no windows in her heart'- mainly. Why so stubborn, you will never overcome your limitations. You'll never dance, sing or smile again, get used to it. You have willingly surrendered ! Time cannot be turned back. You cannot reclaim back your wasted years, tears or sweat, maybe just the bad taste of it all. It's all lost and it will never come back, you will need to learn how to accept it. You might not like it, but it is what it is and there's nothing you can do about that.You believe this world was created for you and your little dreams,  you believe you can love but you have no heart! You're just ill!  I will fix you.
There no such thing as real or now nor love, when you will be able to accept that you will be fine!

Now wake up its time to start dreaming.


joi, 30 ianuarie 2014

Sail! AOWLNATION

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPtSKimbjOU

Sail - navigheaza 

Atipic, mi-a ramas aceasta melodie intiparita in mine si am inceput sa o fredonez! Sa fie zgomotul metalic sau poate cuvintele saracacioase? Oricum o iubesc : 

This is how I show my love  ( Asa imi manifest iubirea)
I made it in my mind because ( am inventat totul pentru ca)
I blame it on my A.D.D. baby ( dau vina pe ADD aka THDA - tulburarea hiperkinetica cu deficit de atentie)
This is how an angel dies ( asa moare un inger)
I blame it on my own supply ( doar eu sunt vinovat)
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby ( da vina pe  THDA-ul meu, iubito) 
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Maybe I should cry for help ( poate ar trebuie sa strig dupa ajutor)
Maybe I should kill myself (myself) ( poate ar trebui sa ma omor)
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby ( da vina pe  THDA-ul meu, iubito)

Maybe I'm a different breed ( poate sunt o alta rasa)
Maybe I'm not listening ( poate nu ascult)
So blame it on my A.D.D. baby( da vina pe  THDA-ul meu, iubito)

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

La la la la la
La la la la la oh!
La la la la la,
La la la la la oh!
La la la la la,
La la la la la,

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Sail with me into the dark ( navigheaza cu mine in bezna)
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me
Sail!